October 1st, 2017

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On Sunday evening of October 1st, 2017 at Route 91 Harvest festival on the Las Vegas strip, a lone gunman took the lives of many. I was not directly affected by this tragic event, but my city was. I’ve only been living here for about a year and I never realized that such events like this could take place so close to home.

I woke up Monday morning with a staggering number of texts from friends and family members asking if I was okay and if everyone was accounted for.  I thought to myself, “Am I okay?” I was under the impression that a natural disaster, like an earthquake, had occurred. I quickly found a reliable news source, which is where I found out the news. It was extremely heart-breaking to read the details and accounts from the people who escaped. I had to turn it off. I couldn’t listen to it anymore. The bad news just kept coming in and I couldn’t keep up, let alone fathom what had occurred less than twenty minutes from where I reside.

Monday was a dreadful day. What now? Were we supposed to go on with our lives? How are we supposed to function in society when just hours ago a tragic event occurred? I just felt awful. I was sick to my stomach. It did not feel right to just continue doing what I I do every day. Sadness was emanating the city and I too felt it.

Although I was not directed affected, there were people that I knew I that were there or could have been there.  One of my friend’s husband was bartending that night and was right near the stage when it happened. She texted me to tell me that he was physically okay, but mentally was struggling. Another friend of mine had a friend who she was close to killed that night. She was having a hard time attending in class Tuesday night, but she was glad that she was able to come because it allowed her to talk about how she was feeling.

I have been silent for a while about how I am really feeling, but now I feel like as if I need to talk to explain how I am comprehending everything. The first thing I thought about was my sister who actually works on the strip. She usually works late. Sometimes I don’t even see her. That Sunday night she came home early.  We had a fight before we retired for the night and that is the one thing that has been on my mind. What if the fight we had would have been the last thing we said to each other? Just the weekend prior to the event, she attended Life is Beautiful and I Heart Radio Music Festival. What if that would have been the festival that was chosen? I appreciate her more than I ever had before knowing that it could have been her. We still haven’t spoken. I think a small part of us has the same thought, but afraid to say it out loud.

I am doing my best to move forward. The only way I know how is by continuing to live my life because in an instant it can be taken away. I encourage everyone to do the same.

If you are like me, someone who was not directly affected by this tragic event, but would like to help, here is what I have done so far:

Las Vegas Victims Fund

Vegas Strong T-Shirts

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My Experience With Online Dating

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I have been living in Nevada for about ten months now and I thought it was high time I started trying to meet new people by putting myself out there. The only problem is that I I have two jobs and go to school full time, which consumes much of my life. It does not leave any room to actually go out and meet people the “old-fashioned” way, which is why I have found myself online dating.

I never realized how many apps there were for specifically for meeting people. It was a tad overwhelming, but I decided to use the ones that were free and easy to use. I hate trying to figure out how to work apps. Let’s just say that I like when I already know how to use things. I decided to put myself on as many as possible. I joined Tinder first, which I talk about in my post Meeting New People. I also joined OkCupid and Plenty of Fish. I prefer OkCupid over Plenty of Fist and Tinder. You find people with similar interests because after you make your profile you answer questions about yourself and what you prefer and then you say what you would prefer in your ideal partner. I’ve had a few people message me, but I’m pretty old-fashioned. I like to be wooed so if you say “hey,” “hi,” or “what’s up” or anything in that variation I will not respond because honestly, those conversations lead nowhere. I’ve met some potential guys, which is great, but what really irritates me is that they do no want any sort of commitment. They only want friends with benefits relationship. Every. Single. Guy.

A friends with benefits relationship is pointless. Speaking from experience, I have been in one before. I was in one for FOUR YEARS. FOUR FUCKING YEARS. A friends with benefits relationship is nothing more than an excuse for someone not to commit to one person and sleep around. That’s not how my friends with benefits relationship was per say (I will go more into that later), but Urban Dictionary defines a friends with benefits relationship as “Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.”

When I am talking to a guy, we get to the point where we ask each other what we are looking for. I always say that I am looking to meet new people and see where things go in hopes that we may have a relationship. The guy will then say they are looking for nothing serious, but just a friends with benefits relationship. I will then ask them why their profile says they are looking for a relationship. Their response, “Oh, I’m looking for a friends with benefits relationship.” I always tell the guys that I am not interested because I had been in one before. Most are considerate and tell me things won’t work out and then there are some that will badger me and say that I should try it again and it will be different. Let me explain why it does not work:

  1. One person always develops feelings (it’s always the girl).

  2. The other person will make it so that you are only with them and no one else (it’s always the guy)

  3. In the end, it won’t be what either of you wanted.

This is why we have relationship problems in society. This is why I, someone like me, can’t find a decent date. It seems as if people don’t want to be a relationship because they do not want to have to deal with the effort that it takes to maintain a relationship. This really needs to change.

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I feel like I have to tell someone this. It’s been in my head all day and I cannot stop thinking about it. I had a dream last night. It was one of those dreams where it felt as if it was real. It was all too real. It was almost a nightmare. It was something that I will never forget.

I cannot exactly recall the beginning of my dream, but the middle is as clear as day. They always say you can never remember the beginning of a dream, you always appear in the middle of the action. I would not say that this happened because I feel the like the beginning was completely irrelevant. The middle of my dream is more significant. What was different about this dream was that I was not in 2017. I felt as if I was in a completely different time period. I am not sure what time period. All I know was I was in the deep south because everyone that I talked to had a southern drawl in their voice. Everyone was old fashioned and held traditional values.

My friend and I had a found a house to live in while we stayed in this southern town, but that was a mistake. I cannot recall why we were there in the first place. I feel as if I should mention that both my friend and I are African American. The people who lived in this town did not want us there. They came to our house and stood on our lawn. One woman and three men. One man was dressed in all black with a hood. I couldn’t see his face. They were all yelling obscenities, threatening to come in and telling us that we need to leave. I hid the bathroom, but I could see them outside yelling through the bathroom window. I peeked out of the bathroom door. I noticed that my friend was inching towards the front door to look through the peephole. I told her to go back to her room. She didn’t listen. I watched through the bathroom window as she came out through the back door to confront the people on our lawn. They attacked her. The man in black put a rope around her neck and then hung her from the tree in our front yard. They all cheered and then yelled for the “other one” to come out. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myself elsewhere and it worked.

I was standing in front of an old man with white hair. His voice was wavering. He kept saying to me in slight whisper,

“History will repeat itself unless we listen.”

“History will repeat itself unless we listen.”

“History will repeat itself unless we listen.”

“History will repeat itself unless we listen.”

“History will repeat itself unless we listen.”

“History will repeat itself unless we listen.”

I woke up with this man’s voice in my head and I’ve been hearing it all day. I feel as if this dream really means something. I feel as if this is one I shouldn’t ignore. What does it mean? Did something like this actually happen? I want to look it up, but I am not entirely sure that I want to.

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School Dilemma

So for writing class, we have to do a multigenre project of many different types of writing over our chosen central topic. This project is a semester-long and each week we have to add new pieces of writing to our portfolio. We also have to post our pieces of writing on a discussion board and have our peers comment positive and negative feedback about our writing. And we are required to comment on everyone’s work so that we get our full points. There so happens to be one girl in my discussion group that will never comment on my stuff. It started the first week. She was the first person to put something up and then I put mine after hers, so I know she sees them. It’s been like that for past seven weeks. Each week, she will post hers before or after mine and comment on everyone else around mine, but she will never comment on mine. I don’t know why. I don’t know this girl personally because this is an online class. I have never even met her so I don’t understand why she’s doing this. Because of this, I have come to the conclusion that I do not like her. I feel like she is being rude and the topic she chose is, quite frankly, rather childish. Everyone is writing about stuff they are really passionate about, such as occupational therapy, special education, black lives, domestic abuse, and children’s literature. Then there is hers: Disneyland. I mean seriously. Could you be any more childish? Anyways, whatever, that is beside the point, but honestly what is the deal?

My question to you is, should I tell my professor or just be petty and not comment on her stuff? I don’t know what to do. I just need advice from any fellow university friends.  I don’t want to email the girl because the last time she emailed me and I replied she ignored it. I’m just not sure what to do. I feel like maybe I am being dramatic, but honestly, I just feel like it isn’t fair. I have commented on her stuff for the past seven weeks and she has not commented on any of my stuff. It is really starting to bug me.

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The Girl in the Window

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I told myself that I will read more this year because I need some time to myself. So far, I have read two books and I am on my third, which I think is a major accomplishment. Right now, I am reading The Girl on the Train. It’s a thriller novel that everyone seems to be talking about since it has been adapted into a movie. It’s about a woman named Rachel who takes the train to London every day and each time the train makes a stop at signal she is given a small glimpse into the life of a seemingly perfect couple who lives at one the houses near the train tracks. Each day, she watches them. She named the Jason and Jess. One day, she sees something shocking, which inadvertently gets her involved in their life.

As I was reading, I found myself with similarities with Rachel. We both take notice of the people around us and wonder what they are thinking. Another one, in particular, is that we both invent stories of people we see every day, but do not know personally:

There is a family who I call the Starbucks family. My apartment is next door to a Starbucks and it is in walking distance. Every other day one family member will go pick up the whole family Starbucks. I usually see the Asian woman before I go to work. She is always on her way back, sauntering cheerfully, and carrying a carrier of four drinks. Two cold and two hot. They say you can tell a lot about a person by what they order at Starbucks.

There is a family that lives below me. I call them The Family That Lives Below Me. I have never seen them, but I can hear them. I think it is a husband, wife, their two kids and their dog. They are very loud and spend a lot of time on the patio. They do a lot screaming, yelling and shouting. I always catch snippets of their conversations, but when they yell. I hear everything. Their patio is right above my bedroom window. I can feel the anger emanating. I often worry for their well-being, especially their children and their dog. Each night, I hear the dog yelping loudly as if injured. It’s nonstop. There are some nights where the children will get in trouble and that’s when I hear a lot yelling, objects being thrown and doors being slammed. Sometimes I close my window so that I don’t have to hear it, but it penetrates.

Since the weather has gotten warmer, there is a middle-aged man who will sit on a patio chair in his garage, shirt off, and an oldies station blasting. He’s the Old Guy. He usually looks up when I walk by or when I open my window and draw my blinds. He always smiles and says hi to me, but I am usually in a hurry so I always manage a small wave. I don’t think he thinks I’m rude because he still continues to say hi to me.

Each day, I watch these people and I wonder if what I see is all a facade. It makes me wonder how people perceive me when they see me walking outside of their window. Do they ask the same questions as I? What does that family get Starbucks every day? What does that family constantly yell and scream abuse at each other and their children? Why does that old man sit outside in his garage every day?  When I leave and they see me outside their window, do they ask, where is she going? What is she thinking?

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Reasons Why You are Selfish

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When I call you selfish, you yell and scream at me. I often call you selfish out of anger and you respond with anger. I feel that deep down, you know that you are selfish, which is why you respond the way you do. I wish I could show you your self-centered ways, but I can’t so I guess I will just tell you.

You are selfish when:

  • Leave your dirty dishes in the sink
  • Leave your wet towels all over the floor
  • You forget to put a new roll of toilet paper after you finish the roll
  • You eat the last of something without telling anyone
  • You buy things I know you cannot afford
  • Stay in bed all day when the place is a mess
  • Take too long in the bathroom and I have to get ready for work
  • Don’t chip in for groceries
  • Don’t say thank you

You may deny these things, but I see them every day. I know that’s why you get angry with me when I call you selfish because I know deep down inside, you know it’s true.

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Valentine’s Day

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I’ve never celebrated Valentine’s Day. I’ve never had the satisfaction of receiving a spontaneous gift to show love and express. Is it ironic or bad timing that each time I have had a boyfriend, we never seemed to make it to Valentine’s Day? My first boyfriend. I was sixteen. We started dating in November. We broke up in January. My second boyfriend. I was seventeen going on eighteen. We started dating in August. We broke up in May. Right before my birthday. When I see men purchasing flowers, cards, and candy I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. I’ve never had a guy give me a gift that says, “I was thinking of you.”

What is Valentine’s Day to me? February 14th. Tuesday. The seventh week of the year.  Just another day. It’s like a Father’s Day to me. It’s something I don’t celebrate. Why don’t I celebrate Father’s Day? Because I never had a father figure in my life. My dad has not been around since I was born and every little effort he made was not enough. I never knew what it was like to have a father. That’s why I don’t celebrate. The same goes for Valentine’s Day. I’ve never had a boyfriend during that time. Why celebrate something that you don’t have? I’m hoping one day that will change. One day I will be able to celebrate these holidays I’m missing out on. I have hope that someone will change that.


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When I Pray

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I have talked about my religious views before and I am not ashamed to tell people what I believe. I have always believed that time will tell if there is an omnipresent being residing over humanity, which is why I identify with being agnostic. No one can persuade me otherwise. I do not try to tell you to change what you believe; therefore you should not try to tell me to change what I believe. I have reasons for why I believe the things I do. Ask me, I open to telling you. There is no wrong religion.

We take solace in knowing that something is watching over us and that is all knowing and powerful. Why is that? Maybe it is because we need that fulfillment of turning to someone or something in times of trouble. I find myself doing this on occasion. It happens on nights when I cannot sleep and I am lying awake thinking of what I wish would change. I know I have the power to make that happen, but sometimes I need extra guidance; guidance that I cannot give myself.

I’ll sit there and begin to wish for things that I would like to happen, but first I start by thinking about all the wonderful things that have happened:

“I know I do not ask for much, but just this one time I would like for you to hear me out. I feel as if I have so much to be thankful for. I have come so far. I never thought that I would be as happy as I am today. I love my job. I can’t think of a better opportunity. I love the people I work. I have met the most wonderful people and I feel like I belong. This is where I need to be. I have surpassed many milestones that I never thought I would achieve. I feel like this is most definitely my yeat. Although I am really happy with the direction of my life, I feel like something is missing. You know exactly what I am talking about. I see it everywhere I go. It taunts me. I try to run from it and there it is again. I want to look that way and smile, but I can’t. I would be lying if I said I didn’t care, but I do. I put on this facade and I am tired of it. I want that connection with someone. That feeling of having someone who is like you in many ways it’s as if you are two incomplete souls who have found their other halves. This is one thing I have never even considered asking, but I feel that it is necessary. To help me overcome the overwhelming loneliness I have been saddled with.” 

I do this as if someone or something is listening to my hearts desires and they have the power to make it happen, but I know that deep inside it is not that simple. Like I have said before, only I have the power to make that happen. That is why I believe the things I do.

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A Sign

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I can’t remember exactly how our relationship started. People often ask me how I got involved with B, but I can’t exactly recall how everything began. We had been doing this “thing” for so long, that I didn’t even know what to call it. I didn’t call him my boyfriend, but it felt like it. He was just a guy I was involved with.

I remember when I invited him over one night. I think it was sometime last year or maybe the year before. It had been a while since we had last talked. It felt like something was off. Something just didn’t feel right. We went back to my room and we laid in my bed together. He always said he liked to hold me. I had my Pandora playlist playing from one of my favorite artists, the Weeknd. One song, I had never heard, began to play. I didn’t know what the song was called or who it was even by, but the lyrics really spoke to me.

Trying to convince myself I’ve found the one

Making the mistake I never learned from  

I swear, I always fall for your type

I just can’t explain it at all

“Change the song, ” he said, breaking me from my reverie. “I’m not really feeling the vibe.”

I took my time changing the song because I wanted to continue listening to it. It was called Fall for Your Type by, Jamie Foxx. I kept listening to the lyrics. The resonated with me. I felt like it was talking about me. Me and B. It was a sign. The awkwardness of everything. The way things felt at the moment. I needed to move on, but I couldn’t.

The song read my soul. I chose to ignore it. If I would have taken that night as a sign, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Extremely heartbroken.

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Just an Update

As most of you know, school has been a top priority for me. It’s an important part of my life and it gets one step closer to my desired career. I have so wonderful news! Yesterday, I finally received my acceptance letter into my program of study. This has been an ongoing struggle for me. It’s not that the program wouldn’t accept me, it’s because I did not have the required tests score to gain admission. Once I was finally able to get the required passing scores, I was able to apply for admission. When I

When I received the letter. I was so excited that I could barely open it. Thoughts raced my mind, “what if I wasn’t going to get in?” “what if I got in?”  I finally just ripped it opened. Hands shaking, I opened the letter and began to read. I read the first word “Congratulations!” I didn’t finish reading the rest because I was overcome with so much joy. I have waited for this moment, a moment I never thought would ever come true.

It’s still unreal. It’s so unreal how close I am to finishing my bachelor degree. I get to meet with my new program advisor next week to map out my degree plan to determine graduation. I am so excited to begin this journey. I feel like I have been fumbling around in the dark for so long. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

On another note, I am sorry I haven’t been writing as much as used to. I have had so much going with work, school and family. Writing in my blog more has become a New Year’s resolution of mine. I attend on making sure I keep on updating as much as possible. However, homework comes first.

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