Have you ever seen those movies where the main characters’ mother/father doesn’t seem to care about them? It’s a quite common occurrence in movies and is rarely ever resolved. That’s the relationship I have with my mother. I feel like I have spent my whole life trying to please her, but I’ve done nothing but fail. I know this may sound cliche, but I just wish I could hear her say that she’s proud of me. Not once have I heard this. I’ve heard people tell me that she is, but I’ve never heard her say it to me.
The other day someone said to me, “You and your mom sound really close because of the way you talk about her.” I wanted to tell them how wrong they were. The hear all the things we have in common, but they don’t hear that they almost mean nothing to her.
I know I’m not her favorite child. I can see it. I can even feel it. I first noticed it when I was growing up. She had cute little nicknames for my sister but didn’t have any for me. She was almost always passive and never affectionate. It grew worse as I became older. I know parents say they don’t have a favorite, but it’s blatantly obvious they do. It hurts.
It’s as if there is something about me that she doesn’t like. I can’t figure it. My accomplishments were always sub par compared to my sister. When I was in high school I received a report card with all A’s, but one C. My mother saw nothing, but the C. When my sister received her report card with B and C’s, my mother was so proud. She was never as happy about my accomplishments as I was. I was constantly seeking gratification. I graduated college. “Are you proud of me?” I finally passed an entrance exam to my program of study in college? “Are you proud of me?” I finished the fall semester with a 4.0. “Are you proud of me?” I feel like I’m constantly trying to please, but no matter how hard I try, I have to constantly ask her if she is proud of me.