Unfinished Business

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I have been toying with the idea of going back to Kansas for Christmas. Right now, it may not be financially feasible to return, but my heart says otherwise. Christmas is a time for happiness and togetherness, but for some, it’s when loneliness and depression surface. Being alone during this time can be detrimental. It is quite difficult for me to fathom that there might be a possibility that I cannot come back. Why do I need to come back you ask? I can’t explain it, but there are so many things that I wish I could have done differently. The only way that I can feel better about myself would be to go back and attain my unfinished business.

I was in a rush when I left. I didn’t get to see everyone that I wanted to before my departure and I wish I had. I was having a difficult time trying to get everything to fall into place, nothing was in my favor and everything that could happen did. Classic Murphy’s Law. I felt as if people thought that I had left without saying goodbye, but that wasn’t the case. If I had more time,  I would have spent most of my time with the people I loved. What exactly is a proper goodbye?

The last time I saw my best friend, I was crying. I was upset about how everything was going and she consoled me. She hugged me tightly and gently stroked my back as my sobs were muffled by her shirt. I didn’t realize it would be the last time I would see her. I would have done so much more. It should have been all about her instead of me.

The last time I saw B, I told him I hated him. I hated him for all the years of hurt. All the time I wasted. Everything. I refused to to let him know when I would be leaving. I wanted him to feel exactly what I felt. I wish I would have done things differently. I wanted to let him know that I cared about him and only wish the best for him. In all the four years we spent together, he was the someone that I really cared about. I will always love him.

The last time I saw my family, I tried to hide what I was feeling. I wanted to cry, but I held it in. I felt that if I cried, I would look weak. I wanted to show them that I could do this. I wanted to show them that I was ready to leave; if I cried then I wouldn’t be able to prove my competence. I wish I would have showed them how I really felt. I was scared. I needed their reassuring comfort.

The last time I saw my best guy friend, we rarely spoke. I felt that he was indifferent with my decision to leave, which is why I tried my best to remain silent about it. He wasn’t the same anymore. I wish I would have spent a little more time with him. He was someone that was always there for me. I don’t think he understands how much I really valued his friendship.

It’s complicated. I have all these bottled-up emotions. The longer I hold them in, the worse I feel. The only way to feel better is go back. I’ve been told not to dwell on the past, but honestly you have to be satisfied with the past to move forward. I have to make things right to feel okay with myself. Only when I do this, I can finally move on with the rest of my life.

 

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About meetmeinnevada

A Kansas girl trying to navigate the changes of the big city of Las Vegas, Nevada by talking about life, thoughts, and relationships.
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14 Responses to Unfinished Business

  1. The worst feeling ever.. This has ever happened to me and it was painful. But you there for college and you sure you will be going back, right? Even though it doesn’t have to be this Christmas..?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know exactly how you feel. It’s no fun.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The holidays really are actually the worst time to be alone. Hospitals and hotlines are always extra staffed during this time because of the amount of stress and pressure it puts on people and many can’t take it. Not to be grim, just to agree with you.
    Going ‘back’ to take care of unfinished business is so…cliche, no? You didn’t leave to stay stuck in the past and you shouldn’t treat your return as such either. Go back to start new business. Don’t go back to say goodbye to your friend better. Go to say hello again and reconnect. It’s a shame so many people fear going back home because it feels like a vortex that sucks you back into the past. Your room looks the same, your family is the same, the neighborhood is the same, so you’re tempted to you know, be the same. But if you focus on the new and the different and the change, it’s so much more fun and less stressful.
    It’s such a tired cliche but those holiday comedies usually nail it pretty well. Just Friends, Four Christmases, Surviving Christmas. All these people who have this like, torch to bear that they want so badly to return to their hometown to show off or prove themselves or tie up loose ends. I think being ‘satisfied with the past’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘rectifying it’. It means accepting what you can’t change (because it’s done) and realizing what you can (actions now). Guess what, maybe you royally botched up how you said goodbye to your best friend. So you nail this hello. If you want to make peace with your past you make this the best goddamn appearance. I mean like full production. Like psychotically so. End her life with how big it is. Hahah.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You may be right. I just feel that I will feel a lot better if I go back. I can’t explain it but I just know I should. The reason why I messed up all my goodbyes was because everything and anything went wrong. It’s as if some unknown force was trying to halt my departure. Even after everything. Losing my credit card, having a friend drop out of going, getting the help I thought I was going to get that fell through, one little thing after another. I don’t want to call it a excuse but it took up most of my time. I know it sounds cliche and like you said, every holiday movie has done it, but I don’t want to something silly like a move to change who I am as a person. My sister for example did. She’s not the same anymore. She rips on her hometown, she acts as if she’s better than it but it’s like don’t forget where you came from. And that’s what I want to remember. No matter how big you get always remember who was there for you.

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      • You absolutely should go back when you get the chance. But when you do, don’t focus on the past like it’s something to be ‘fixed’. You did what you needed to do when you put your past on paper. You wrote it all out. When you go back, you don’t forget where you came from or what made you you but you don’t try and amend it either. Unfortunately, the goodbyes happened the way they happened. So when you go back, what do you want to do? Don’t rehash old goodbyes, start new things. I hope you get a chance to return soon and when you do I hope you are not weighed down by who you were or fearful of what you did. Give back. Improve. Change. Don’t revert back to your old self. I haven’t been back to the Philippines in four years. There are a lot of reasons for this, but one is definitely that whenever I go, it doesn’t matter who I am or what I’ve accomplished, I always end up feeling like a little kid who needs to be chaperoned and guided. So I made a promise to myself that the next time I feel ready to go back, I’ll go on my terms with my own agenda. I’ll stay in a place of my choosing and I’ll set my schedule and invite my family to come with me, instead of the other way around.
        If you look back at all the circumstances of your departure I don’t want you to see things you did wrong to fix or feel embarrassed by or feel you need to ‘repent’ for. Instead I hope you see all the things you are going to back because you’ve become so much more. The spirit of your return shouldn’t be ‘I’ve come back to face all my mistakes’ because that’s negative and makes home heavy. Think ‘I’ve come to show you how I’ve made up for it all by improving’. And who wouldn’t want to go back to show that off? Hahah.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Coming back during Christmas would be coming back on my own terms because I am purchasing my own way. I also plan to come back during spring break to get the rest of my belongings. I literally left a piece of me down there. I feel that all my firends are burdened with keeping my stuff for me. I don’t want to try and prove anything to anyone. I just wish this impending guilt that I have, will leave me. I don’t quite understand. Writing it all out makes me feel somewhat better, but I wish there I could explain why it doesn’t.
        I hope you can eventually return to the Phillipines and that you get to do what you want. It’s always nice to go back for a bit.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah but the other reason why is because the last six countries I’ve visited were the Philippines so I also told myself no more visits until I get a new nock on my passport.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well that’s good! I hope you get to go back and visit!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. vinneve says:

    I agree if there is any “unfinished business” we need to attend to we cannot move on until we settle it amicably.

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  5. This exact same thing happened to me when I first moved to London. Not wanting to show emotion when I was leaving so family and friends wouldn’t worry, then feeling sad when I arrived in London. The first time I went back home I was so excited but nervous at the same time. I thought going home would make me not want to go back to London. In fact the opposite happened. Going home made me realise that moving to London was the best thing I ever did and that any problems that I had back home stayed at home. I never brought them back with me or felt any guilt. For me, moving away was a start to a new life and leaving any worries back home. London is now my home and the small town I came from is just the place my family and friends live.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I feel slightly reassured now. Thank you. I just feel like if I can make amends I can finally feel satisfied with my decision to move. I’m actually really nervous about coming back. If I come back in December I will have been gone for 6 months. It doesn’t seem like much but in my hometown it is. Everyone’s dream is to get out of there and I did.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Same with mine. I often feel like people judge me because I did even though it is often jealousy. Ignoring it is the best way, we’re the ones who did something about it and left. It’s up to them to do the same if they really want to.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Exactly! My main concern is feeling like myself but somewhat different. I don’t want to think I’m better than anyone because I never forget where I came from. That’s what irritates me about people that leave their hometown. They think they are better than everyone.

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