I have been toying with the idea of going back to Kansas for Christmas. Right now, it may not be financially feasible to return, but my heart says otherwise. Christmas is a time for happiness and togetherness, but for some, it’s when loneliness and depression surface. Being alone during this time can be detrimental. It is quite difficult for me to fathom that there might be a possibility that I cannot come back. Why do I need to come back you ask? I can’t explain it, but there are so many things that I wish I could have done differently. The only way that I can feel better about myself would be to go back and attain my unfinished business.
I was in a rush when I left. I didn’t get to see everyone that I wanted to before my departure and I wish I had. I was having a difficult time trying to get everything to fall into place, nothing was in my favor and everything that could happen did. Classic Murphy’s Law. I felt as if people thought that I had left without saying goodbye, but that wasn’t the case. If I had more time, I would have spent most of my time with the people I loved. What exactly is a proper goodbye?
The last time I saw my best friend, I was crying. I was upset about how everything was going and she consoled me. She hugged me tightly and gently stroked my back as my sobs were muffled by her shirt. I didn’t realize it would be the last time I would see her. I would have done so much more. It should have been all about her instead of me.
The last time I saw B, I told him I hated him. I hated him for all the years of hurt. All the time I wasted. Everything. I refused to to let him know when I would be leaving. I wanted him to feel exactly what I felt. I wish I would have done things differently. I wanted to let him know that I cared about him and only wish the best for him. In all the four years we spent together, he was the someone that I really cared about. I will always love him.
The last time I saw my family, I tried to hide what I was feeling. I wanted to cry, but I held it in. I felt that if I cried, I would look weak. I wanted to show them that I could do this. I wanted to show them that I was ready to leave; if I cried then I wouldn’t be able to prove my competence. I wish I would have showed them how I really felt. I was scared. I needed their reassuring comfort.
The last time I saw my best guy friend, we rarely spoke. I felt that he was indifferent with my decision to leave, which is why I tried my best to remain silent about it. He wasn’t the same anymore. I wish I would have spent a little more time with him. He was someone that was always there for me. I don’t think he understands how much I really valued his friendship.
It’s complicated. I have all these bottled-up emotions. The longer I hold them in, the worse I feel. The only way to feel better is go back. I’ve been told not to dwell on the past, but honestly you have to be satisfied with the past to move forward. I have to make things right to feel okay with myself. Only when I do this, I can finally move on with the rest of my life.