When I was growing up, I hated my home. I was embarrassed by it. My family is what you would call a messy type. We didn’t live in filth or squalor, but it seemed like no one wanted to clean up after themselves or get rid of their clutter. Only the most trusting of friends were invited to my house. I was always anxious of what people would think when they would see how I lived. There was a clear difference between my family and I. I am neat. Compared to the living, kitchen, basement and other bedrooms, mine was the cleanest. My bed made and clothes were hung in the closet. Everything was in its place. The way I liked it.
A spent most of my time away from my home. I was usually found at my friend’s houses. When I was young, I would visit my best friends’ house. I would marvel at the beauty of the place she resided. It was the epitome of pure cleanliness. She had two living rooms. I remember the first living room was a place that was full of breakable trinkets and no TV. It wasn’t for lounging. We never spent much time in there. The other living room was in the basement of her house. It was a more of a relaxed environment. A couch, a recliner, and couple arm chairs for relaxing. This where we would go to watch TV. I spent most of my summer days at her house.
I never wanted to be home. My home did not feel like a home, but what was a home to me? A home is a place where you are comfortable. I wasn’t comfortable. A home is a place where you can relax. I couldn’t relax. Even when I was out on my own. My small apartment did not feel like a home. A home is more than a place. It’s something more than that. It’s somewhere special that means everything to you. A home is like a warm hug. A home is like a cup of coffee. A home is paradise. I have yet to find a place that entails that kind of feeling. Maybe it’s because I am still adjusting to the ways of Nevada, but part of me is still unsure. It still hasn’t set in that this is my home now. This is where I live. It’s all so unreal. The beautiful landscape deceives me. Am I really going to be able to see this every day?
One day, I will be able to say, “I’m home.”