My relationship with B was complicated. Not many people understood it. We never labeled it and never addressed exactly what we were. We weren’t exactly together, but we both refused to see other people.
I remember a time when B and I were together. The small talk we’d have when we’d lay together was a moment I wanted to last. We talked about the future. What life would be like and where we would be. I don’t know why the conversation took this turn, but we started talking about what we would name our first child if we ever had one. He wanted a girl. We couldn’t agree on a name at first. I wanted something unique and different; like my name. A name not common or that was never heard of before. He wanted one name and that one name only. He wanted her to be named after his grandmother named Ruby. I thought that it was the sweetest thing that I couldn’t say no. I suggested the name Ruby Brielle. I always thought double names were unique and weren’t commonly used. B smiled and kissed me. He lifted my shirt slightly and ran his finger up and down my stomach, whispering, Ruby Brielle. In that moment I really loved him.
B and I weren’t together, but we shared many experience. The arrangement we had made him happy, but I always had mixed feelings about it. If he was happy, I was happy. My friends would ask about him, but I’d always tell them, it’s complicated. They didn’t understand. They were all content in their relationships and they wouldn’t let me be content in mine. I was in love.