Something I’ve Never Told Anyone

To the guy that was mistake,

I saw someone today that looked like you. My stomach lurched, my hands were shaking and my heart started racing. Why am I this nervous around you? It’s something that it took me some time to realize, but now I understand what had happened to me.

Things could have been different. I kept things from you and I know you did the same. I never told you why I began a relationship with you. I never told you that you looked like someone I know. I never told you that I was still in love with him. I should have been more open and honest about what I wanted, but you should have done the same.

The sex we had was a mistake. I turned my heartbreak into hatred. I was devastated about how things ended in my last relationship and I thought the only way I could feel better was to try and forget. The only way I forgot was in the moment of pure desire and ecstasy. I became obsessed with wanting to forget. I took advantage of you and you took advantage of me.

The last day I saw you I will never forget. I told you “no” and you still continued to pressure me. I said “no” when you had your hands on the button of my jeans. I said “no” when you had my pants around my knees. I said “no” when you moved my hands out of the way. I said “no” when you forced yourself inside of me. I felt my flesh tear and I succumbed.

Maybe I wasn’t stern enough. Maybe I wasn’t loud enough. Maybe” no” wasn’t enough. Maybe it was because I ended up giving in. Whatever the reason you didn’t listen. I blamed myself for what happened. I thought that I deserved it because I wasn’t trying hard enough to stop it.

I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that you raped me. I didn’t think it was. I denied it for so long. I was ashamed. I never told anyone because I didn’t want anyone to judge me. I don’t know if I will ever see you again or what I would even say to you, but I’m glad that I can finally come to terms with what happened. What you did wasn’t right. I said no.

Sincerely,

A Broken Hearted  Girl

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About meetmeinnevada

A Kansas girl trying to navigate the changes of the big city of Las Vegas, Nevada by talking about life, thoughts, and relationships.
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