Can I tell you a secret? It’s a secret that I’m ashamed of. I probably will never admit it. I’ve never told anyone, written it down or even typed it like I am now. I don’t know why, but for as long as I can remember jealousy has been feeling I can’t shake.
I’ve been spending quite a bit of time on social media. Partly because I don’t have a job and I don’t have anything else better to do. I know I should stay off, but boredom succumbs and I find myself aimlessly scrolling. Social media is the root problem of my jealously. I have all my friends back in Kansas on there and a lot of them broadcast their lives for the world to see. I don’t post very often on my social media platforms, but yet I find myself checking it like I check for food in the fridge.
My best friend recently posted that she ended her relationship of 4 years with her boyfriend. Within the next few weeks she’s with someone else. Why does that make me upset? Because I’ve been single for the past four years and have yet to find someone that makes me as happy as he made her.
My sister posted pictures of her night out for 21st birthday with her friends. Why does that make me upset? Because I got trashed on mine and don’t remember much of what happened but the hangover I had for the next two days.
A girl I used to dance with posted a picture of her on the dance team for the school in my hometown. Why does that upset me? Because I tried out twice and still didn’t make the cut. I didn’t understand because I took lessons at a students since I was five and I was on the dance team at my high school.
An old co-worker of mine passed her entrance exam that will help jumpstart her career in her field of study. What does that upset me? Because I took that same exam, three times and didn’t pass. I felt incompetent because I couldn’t pass a simple test. I felt like it defined me.
An old friend of mine posted a picture of her from high school and of one now. She had lost so much weight. Why does that make me upset? Because I lost a 40 pounds last year, but I lost my good paying job and couldn’t afford to keep up with my eating plan. I basically lived off of Ramen Noodles and canned fruit.
I know I should stay off social media, but it’s how I keep up with my friends and family that are still in Kansas. I’m really good at hiding my jealousy, but it’s always there.