I was having trouble sleeping last night. Not because of the time zone change. Not because I finally have a job interview for the next day. Not because my body is still trying to adjust to sleeping somewhere that I deem unfamiliar. It’s because part of me still doubts myself in the decision I made to move to Nevada. My thoughts continue to run amok, but are more so active at night. I continue to play over the “what if’s” of life. What if my life went in a completely different direction where I didn’t have to resort to moving to Nevada.
I felt that my life completely changed when I decided to move out on my own. I wanted to leave. Be on my own. I hated the way that I was treated by my family. I felt that no matter what I did, my accomplishments didn’t mean a thing. It was a reminder that I could do better. I was turning 18 soon, which means that by society’s standards, I was finally considered as an adult. I felt that if I left, then I would do everyone a favor. What if I stayed?
The way I was treated wasn’t the only reason I wanted to leave. I wanted to leave because I had started talking to a guy. I didn’t want anyone to know about him because of our age difference. At the time, I was 17 and he was 22. I wanted a place of my own so that he could start coming over and we could see each other more. I was young and ignorant. I believed this was something more, but it wasn’t. It was never labeled. Through it all, we kept this “relationship” going for four years. I kept pushing for it to turn into something, but my attempts would always go unnoticed. I remember when I told him I was moving, he didn’t want to hear it. He’d avoid it. When they day came, he didn’t even want to say goodbye. I loved him; I guess he didn’t feel the same way. What if I stayed?
I spent so much time trying to please the one guy I thought loved me that my freshman year of college was in jeopardy. I failed two classes my first year and was placed on academic probation. I’ve never told anyone before because I was ashamed. It took a few months to get my head out of my ass and get my shit together. I was able to get my grade back up my sophomore year when I chose my major. I began to care more about my studies when I finally decided why I wanted to go to school. That was the year I made the Dean’s List at my school. From there, I was able to continue as I tried to undo the damage I caused as a freshman. I was able to raise my 2.0 GPA to a 3.5 GPA. My professors as well as my advisor were very impressed with my transformation. I was proud of myself as well until I found I was unable to get into my major program because I couldn’t pass a simple test. I exhausted all my options. From there I had to chose a different path. What if I stayed?
As I was able to pull myself up again, I finally found a job that I truly liked. It was the one job that I never caught myself saying, I don’t want to go to work today. I enjoyed coming in every day. I wanted to be there. I loved the people I worked with. They were all so kind, caring and understanding of how hard I worked. I wanted to be there. I was only a temporary employee, but after a few short months I was asked if I would like to continue on as a permanent employee. I was never more happy, until I realized that I couldn’t take the position. I had already made the decision to move to Nevada. What if I stayed?
I don’t why I keep pondering on the past when I should be trying to move forward. Moving to Nevada was such a haste decision. I know there were more options, I just wish they would have presented themselves when necessary. I’ve been told that this change will be good for me considering all that I had endured this past year. I’m young and moving around is the part of being young. The people I love and care for understand that I had to do this. I had to do what was best for me. What if I stayed?