For as long as I can remember, I was always told if you have negative thoughts, then you allow them into your life. I remember my mom used to say, “Stop being pessimistic!” The teenager me rolled her eyes. I wasn’t always like this.
Negative thoughts plagued me. I try to push them away, but they always creep up again, lurking in the shadows until they get the chance to tap me on the shoulder and remind me of their presence. To keep them at bay, I always do my best to think positively. However, I’ve been disappointed too many times.
When I was little I used to tell myself if I closed my eyes and imagined what I wanted to happen, it would. I used to use this simple trick when I would beg my mom for trivial things. I would close my eyes and imagine the act taking place and it worked! It was foolproof. I began to do this trick quite frequently. I remember when I found out that this “trick” actually didn’t work. I was eight years old when my best friend said she was moving away. I closed my eyes and willed the outcome of her staying. In the end, she moved away and couldn’t do anything about it. It changed my outlook on everything. I was naïve to think that I could control an outcome.
These past few days I’ve been trying to prove to myself that moving to Nevada was a positive outcome, but to attain this positive outcome I had endure quite a few negatives. It was as if something was trying to deter me from leaving. Anything and everything was going wrong. I did my best to see the brighter side of things, but I felt that I was being mocked. I thought I could will things to go right, but I was so wrong. I feel that I have lost all hope. No matter how hard I tried to see the brighter side of things a dark cloud of negativity would succumb.
I was told to think positive thoughts to push out the negative. For every positive thing that would happen in my life two negatives would round the corner. I wasn’t told that the negative would be much stronger than the positive.